Candidates Plague Hurricane Sandy Towns

Posted on November 2, 2012


Like some kind of Biblical lague, presidential candidates swarmed the towns devastated by Hurricane Sandy, hoping for some last-minute support from voters in those areas.

“It was definitely an October Surprise,” said Dan Evans, meteorologist with the National Oceanic Atmospheric Agency. “It was bad enough that there was a combination of a hurricane, tropical storm…. but now these shore towns are crawling with politicians.”

All eight candidates lined up to donate blood at National Red Cross centers, but people badly needing transfusions refused blood from the politicians.

Evacuees returning to their homes told reporters about finding Mitt Romney pulling the boards off their windows and leaving a number for a “really good insurance guy.”

In one embarrassing instance, Socialist Workers Party candidate James Harris and Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson both showed up at the same shelter to lend support.

“Our guys had talked to his guys to prevent this sort of thing but there was a miscommunication,” Harris said.

Residents felt confused and uncomfortable by the sudden attention.

“I was cleaning up branches in my yard and a complete stranger came and helped me,” said Trevor Hargrove of New Jersey.  “At first I was glad that this good Samaritan stopped by. Suddenly, photographers start taking her picture. Then she gives me her business card, and it says ‘Vote for Jill Stein,’ like I’m supposed to know who that is.”

Barbara Kathan, whose Long Beach Township, N.J. house was washed away in the storm, told a similar story.

“I lost everything. Everything,” she said. “Then, some guy in a suit comes to tell me about how he’s going to provide jobs for the area in the wake of the storm. All I want to do is see if my neighbors made it, and I’m stuck listening to some diatribe about how the shadow government orchestrated 9/11. Then, he asks if I can still be a voter if I no longer have a house.”

The candidates’ advisors are expecting this outpouring of support to boost their showing on election day, particularly in the states that suffered the most damage. However, it is unknown how this will affect polling in the major swing states.

“I wish the hurricane had made it to Ohio,” Barack Obama said.



Posted in: Uncategorized