Browsing All posts tagged under »election«

Reporters Looking Forward To Being Body Slammed By President Rock

July 11, 2017


As an exploratory committee has been formed to determine the likelihood of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson running for president in 2020, journalists are looking forward to being body slammed by a politician who really knows how to body slam someone.  In the wake of Montana Representative Greg Gianforte body slamming a reporter, and President Donald […]

Debate Viewers Just Hoping to See Ken Bone

February 2, 2017


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Although CNN is touting the debate over the Affordable Care Act as a rivalry between two powerhouse almost-rans, most people are just tuning in hoping to catch a glimpse of Ken Bone. In one corner, there will be Vermont Senator Bernie “The Aggressive Progressive” Sanders. And in the other corner, Texas Senator […]

Virginians Vote For Whoever Makes Lines Smaller

November 6, 2012


Voters waiting on line for four or more hours now tell pollsters they will vote for whoever makes this interminable hell stop. In other election news: Slutty Nevada Could Go Both Ways The Best Reason to Vote: Voting Restrictions For Electoral Voters Clinton Also Had Binders Full of Women Romney Becomes […]

The Best Reason To Vote

November 4, 2012


Every election, despair creeps into the general populace. There is an all-encompassing feeling of hopelessness – that no matter who you choose, they will wind up screwing you. It’s like being in a cage trap in a Saw movie. People will tell you how important it is to vote, but often they are trying to […]

Clinton Also Had Binders Full of Women

October 20, 2012


During the presidential debates, candidate Mitt Romney said he had “binders full of women,” from which he’d hire to promote gender equality. It has since been revealed that many presidents throughout the country’s history have had similar binders, most notably Bill Clinton. “Hell, I had tons of binders,” Clinton admitted. “Alphabetized. Cross-referenced. Rated 1 to […]

Chris Christie: “I’m staying in NJ…which is fine…”

October 2, 2012


Gov. Chris Christie announced he is staying in New Jersey, even if Mitt Romney wins the presidential election. “You’re stuck with me,” he joked, then the smile faded from his face and he stared off into the distance, ignoring other questions, for ten minutes. Christie was an early supporter for Romney in the days before […]