Browsing All Posts filed under »Politics«

The Case for Betsy DeVos

February 5, 2017


Washington, D.C. – Despite protest, Senate leaders are rallying around Betsy DeVos, President Donald Trump’s pick for Secretary of Education, because they said they are afraid to see what Trump’s second round pick would be. “If this is his best candidate…God, I don’t even want to think about who would be his second-best,” said Sen. […]

Debate Viewers Just Hoping to See Ken Bone

February 2, 2017


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Although CNN is touting the debate over the Affordable Care Act as a rivalry between two powerhouse almost-rans, most people are just tuning in hoping to catch a glimpse of Ken Bone. In one corner, there will be Vermont Senator Bernie “The Aggressive Progressive” Sanders. And in the other corner, Texas Senator […]

Obama Updates His Resume

January 20, 2017


WASHINGTON, D.C. – After leaving the White House, former President Barack Obama started on his next challenge: landing a new job. But like everyone in this difficult economy, what jobs are available for an executive who was unliked by about half of the people he supervised? “Should I put on my resume that I was […]

Melania Blinks “Help Me” During Inauguration

January 20, 2017


As First Lady Melania Trump stood by President Donald Trump throughout the inauguration, Morse Code experts noticed a peculiar rhythm to her blinking. “She was definitely communicating via Morse Code,” U.S. Army Communications officer John Caring said. “She was blinking ‘help me’ over and over again.” One White House employee was reported to have heard […]

Ohioans already sick of Biden

November 7, 2012


After Ohio played such a pivotal role in yet another election, Vice President Joseph Biden said he plans on spending every day there. “Ohio is the greatest state,” the former Delaware senator said. Biden wanders through town after town, meeting voters and prepping for a 2016 presidential bid. It’s estimated that he has already met […]

Virginians Vote For Whoever Makes Lines Smaller

November 6, 2012


Voters waiting on line for four or more hours now tell pollsters they will vote for whoever makes this interminable hell stop. In other election news: Slutty Nevada Could Go Both Ways The Best Reason to Vote: Voting Restrictions For Electoral Voters Clinton Also Had Binders Full of Women Romney Becomes […]

The Best Reason To Vote

November 4, 2012


Every election, despair creeps into the general populace. There is an all-encompassing feeling of hopelessness – that no matter who you choose, they will wind up screwing you. It’s like being in a cage trap in a Saw movie. People will tell you how important it is to vote, but often they are trying to […]